Bigfoot Loves Cellphones; But Why?
Bigfoot is often accused of being old-fashioned and those are valid criticisms of a beast that refuses to get with the times. When smart phones replaced flip phones, he was resistive to the technology. This past Saturday I had my weekly breakfast with the beast, he mentioned something somewhat shocking.
While sitting at the Rustic Oven Cafe in Middleton, Idaho, and enjoying his usual eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns, Bigfoot stated he had a rare change of heart about cellphones.
"You know me. We've been having breakfast here for over eleven years. I normally don't change my mind on the old ways. Of course, I think cell phones will be a catalyst in the fall of society, but I have noticed one thing that truly benefits me. People have their faces in their cellphones so much that they don't even notice me."
He went on to further explain what he meant after asking for a refill of coffee from his favorite waitress, Phyllis.
"I used to duck and dodge people everywhere I went. Hikers, campers, rock climbers - it didn't matter. They would see me, begin yelling and try to take pictures. Those people are essentially woodland paparazzi. Their cameras would come out and I would run; as obnoxious as it was my cardio was top notch. You know when it was the worse? Right after I would go to moms. You know how that is; mom refuses to let her boy leave hungry. I would have to flee on a full stomach. Everyone wants to be Bigfoot until they have to sprint with their mothers chicken pot pie weighing heavy in their stomach."
Bigfoot expounded on what his change of heart. "I love these smart phones. These humans walk around with their faces down on a screen, diligently working on carpal tunnel syndrome and I can walk freely wherever I want now, even in stores and restaurants. No more disguises, which I'm looking to sell on eBay if you or anyone else needs any."
When asked if he would ever get a smartphone for himself, Bigfoot said he is okay without one and that his AOL email address is still just fine.