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Doomsday Clock Operator Falls Asleep, Batteries Go Dead

Updated: Feb 5, 2023

Colorado Springs, CO - The Doomsday Clock is a Bulletin that was created in the 1940's by several scientists, including Albert Einstein, who were working on the Manhattan Project which produced nuclear weapons. Their intent was to measure how close humanity is to global annilation via nuclear bombs.

According to a governmental source, recently, an operator of the clock fell asleep and the batteries died in the clock.

"The guy in the secured room was out like a light," said our unnamed source. "We finally had to break in because there was no answer on the phone, and the clock needed updating. Once, we got inside, the operator was laid back with a pillow and a blanket, sawing logs. Meanwhile, we have the Ukraine-Russia conflict and Putin threatening to use nukes. Naturally, that clicks the clock closer to midnight. However, this guy decides it's slumber city time."

We were able to make contact with the clock manager, Billy Stedson, who fell asleep.

"Yeah, I fell asleep. And no, this isn't my best life moment. Just like every other industry, we are overworked with staff shortages. I'm sorry the battery died on the clock but I'm human - I have to sleep! It's not like I had classified documents at my beach home or garage."

We spoke to Stedson's supervisor to address concerns.

"He will likely be written up, but it won't go anywhere. The Clock Worker Union is strong and that makes internal discipline weak. These unions are tough and know how to bargain collectively with the best of them."

Currently, the clock is set at 90 seconds to midnight, the closest sits ever been.

There is no guarantee the clock will be accurate due to the expiration of the battery as this has never happened before.

According to officials at the Doomsday Clock Bulletin, there are a high number of Ukrainians with Russian accents applying for the open clock manager position.

"They seem like nice Eastern Ukrainians to me," the Human Resources department head replied upon request for comment.


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