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Kevin McCarthy Drunk Entire Speaker Voting Process

Washington, DC - The last four days have been filled with political drama that has never been seen before in this country. The Republican side of the aisle could not get their members together until the fifteenth ballot vote to secure their Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy.

The Machination Times was able to get in contact with Speaker McCarthy’s office and obtain a statement.

“Well, Kevin is glad this is finally over, as all the other members of the House are as well. The thing is he doesn’t realize it took fifteen vote sessions to secure the position. Kevin has been drunk the last four days! He’s more loaded than Nancy Pelosi ever dreamed of being in these chambers. At one moment, he was twerking on the clerk's desk then the next he was swinging hands. It was wild.”

It is an open secret that when most of Congress is conducting business in both chambers they are generally intoxicated, and this is why it takes so long to get a bill to the floor for voting or even get it passed. There’s always a politician or two who passes out from too many keg stands or backroom Jell-O shots and cannot vote.

“Well, I am a little jealous,” said former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “Back in my day, no one could out drink me but leave it to Kevin to get the job done. At least no one can say government doesn’t get something done. Am I right or am I right?!”

The Machination Times does not endorse politicians, political parties or drunkenly passing laws.

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