Recently, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin underwent an elective surgery, but not before notifying the proper personnel for relief of duty until recovery. During the procedure, a complication arose and Secretary Austin was missing for four days before anyone was able to make contact with him.
An inside source has informed this publication that he knows the reason for disappearance, but is not willing to go on the record. Due to a record of solid information from this source, we took his covert testimony on the matter.
“You won’t believe what happened with Lloyd. Yeah, he had surgery, but it was for something that was outpatient. He was out that afternoon. After leaving the doctor’s office, he went to Area 51, in his Groucho Marx disguise. Obviously, he is well known in his status of the Biden Administration and he wanted to see if his undercover look would fool those who would know him; he's such a jokester. After that worked, he flew to Orlando, Florida, and participated in a two-day pickleball tournament. He came in second place, said his Groucho glasses got sweat on them and caused him to lose the championship match.”
Secretary Austin was kind enough to give us a phone interview, even though he was perturbed that the truth leaked out to the press.
“Yeah, it is true. I went covert so that I could get some privacy and have fun. I see all these TikTok videos of people competing in pickleball tournaments and I wanted to get in on it. But what was more impressive is how I fooled those guards and personnel at Area 51. They had no clue it was me! I felt like an 8-year-old again! Man, it was great!"
We spoke with the gate guard at Area 51 who was on duty at the time Austin went through the security checkpoint.
“That guy didn’t fool anyone. He came driving up in a car that looked like something off the movie Joe Dirt and wearing Groucho Marx glasses and mustache. This isn’t a site seeing facility. We knew it was him, but this is our boss; the guy who plays disguise with his employees,” the guard said emphatically dropping his face into his hands.