Why Are Feral Monkeys Stealing Bananas and Toilet Paper?

Since the beginning of the COVID-19 outbreak there have been some really strange incidents occurring. One individual licked toilet seats in an attempt to get the virus and prove that it isn't that serious. Others have worn face shields, goggles and multiple masks all at the same time. Now, a new story has emerged.

The Machination Times recently learned about feral monkeys running in packs from store-to-store stealing all the toilet paper. The Department of the Interior would neither confirm or deny that monkey's are being trained to take both bananas and toilet paper.

We were able to locate a current grocery store employee who works in upper South Carolina. He agreed to speak to us, but only if we referred to him as "J.F."

J.F. said that he is worried about the state of the country if this doesn't cease immediately.

"I saw a problem with toilet paper at the beginning of COVID. People were running about the store in a fury grabbing packs upon packs. It was Black Friday for the cleanliness of butts! Pure anarchy! I thought I was lucky being assigned to the produce section until one day we got a shipment of bananas and more toilet paper."

J.F. went on to explain.

"I think the government is behind the toilet paper shortage, and they are training monkeys to cause it. At first I thought I was safe in the produce section, but I was wrong. One day, I was minding my own business moving fresh fruits and vegetables while the other side of the store melted down in madness. Then, out of the blue, a pack of monkeys burst through the doors and run me over. They raided all of the bananas, ran across the store and took all of the toilet paper that was left, assaulting people who had packs in their possession. What other cause except the government? People don't want to be unclean back there and not everyone wants to use a bidet. Look at it like this: often mugging victims are attacked from behind because they are vulnerable; the government is attacking you from behind by creating a toilet paper shortage. All for control."

J.F. said that he was injured in the stampede and filed a workers compensation claim, but they are trying to deny him PTSD, and his shoulder injury; he has hired an attorney.